"I let go to transformation.

I let loose, flying off into death, birth, void, full...

I am one with the beloved again.

She died laughing.

She died in ecstasy.

She died with her eyes wide open."

Friday, December 3, 2010

You Know You're Past Your Due Date When...

These are all according to my personal experience, but maybe some of you out there can relate to a few...

1. Doing the dishes feels like an accomplishment.

2. You're amazed that you went an hour in the mall without needing a rest.

3. You look to see the thing that just jutted out of the wall and hit your stomach, only to realize you're the thing jutting into walls.

4. Getting a back rub is equal to or better than sex. Good sex.

5. The thought crosses your mind at least once a day that this might not be a baby, but actually a tumor, and you have to remind yourself not to take the idea seriously.

6. The baby items you've collected need to be dusted or shaken out more than twice before the baby gets there.

7. The birth pool begins to deflate on its own more than twice before the baby gets there.

8. Instead of "hello" the greeting you become accustomed to is, "Wow. Look at you."

9. Almost every person you know has given their advice on how to bring on labor, whether you've asked for it or not.

10. You stop referring to when the baby comes, and start saying if.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Goddess Coming Out In Me

While I expected my belly to grow when I discovered I was pregnant, I didn't really consider that my butt would too...

It began to GROW even before I had put on any weight. I assume the weight was shifting around???(Lovely thought, I know)

Just today I glanced at myself in a mirror, and was once again awe-struck by my caboose. What the heck happened to it?? With my huge round stomach protruding from the front, and my huge squishy butt protruding from the back, my body is, well, the word that comes to mind is...expansive!

Oh well, I thought, at least John seems happy with it!

But then, just now, I saw an image of a fertility goddess. Her bulbous thighs and exaggerated backside reminded me of ME!

How sensual and voluptuous she looked, how fertile and whole and beautiful!

It really struck me. This image of fertility reminded me of my own body right now, and I realized I should be so proud!

So now I am :)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Recent Goings-on

I have a few minutes so I figured I'd add an entry.

There really isn't much going on to speak of, but I guess I'll just highlight some of the non-events of our life.

1. We purchased a camcorder with money John had faithfully saved. He loves to take it everywhere. Even when we're watching TV he will film the screen and exclaim, "Look at that quality!"
He gets quite a thrill out of technology!
Some of his latest videos include a thirty second filming of our living room vent and how it moves the curtains, and us sitting in the drive-thru of in and out on a date night. (I had to tell him he couldn't film the screen during "Inception," it's illegal!) In the drive-thru he pointed the camera at some people across the street and said, "If they started brawling we could have it on camera!!"
I love John!

2.I'm on Week 3 of my Hypnobabies. I've decided to take two weeks to do week 3. Week 2 was great and gave me all the tools to get really healthy. I was trying to get all the important nutrients, but now I have a good in-depth explanation of exactly what my body needs and how to get it (and WHY). I've been really enjoying taking care of myself, and it seems that I almost intuitively know which foods are good. I research everything I eat and I find that I am instinctively drawn to foods that just happen to have exactly what my body and baby need.
Since becoming pregnant I almost feel like my body is just directing me along in my life, and all I have to do is listen to it. It's always right!
"Eat this, Rest now, Now get up and exercise, Go eat something, Now stop eating," etc.

I've never felt so "told what to do" by my body before. It's awesome, really.

3. We got the baby's crib all set up in his room, and now we just need to get some more decor, as well as a co-sleeper for our room until he's older. The crib looks great. I am really happy with the choice we made. It's sturdy and will turn into a bed when we need it. We'll say, "Crib, become a bed!" and snap our fingers. Isn't that awesome?

We have a growing drawer of baby clothes and other things for him. We also have a high-chair, which we bought long before we even thought we could be pregnant. I just saw it and loved it so much, so we got it! For now it's pretty extra-counter space in the kitchen for drying dishes on, haha. (No dishwasher = *pout*)

4. When I got pregnant we signed up for WIC, to help out with our list of groceries. Despite the hassle at the check-out and finding the right labels and size etc. it's pretty useful.
I was really happy to discover that even a government program like that promotes breastfeeding! They could just give out formula to everyone, but instead they encourage the belief that "breast is best" (which is a sadly and surprisingly unknown and/or unbelieved fact).
We've had two appointments there now and they literally sighed relief when we told them I am determined to breastfeed no matter what, and past infancy at that.
On the second visit they were dealing with a mother who chose not to breastfeed and the hassle of finding the right formula for her, apparently took more than an hour. The woman said to me, "If they would just breastfeed!"
When I knew all about nipple confusion, pumping, baby's stages, etc. She enthusiastically told me, "Wow, you've done your research!"

I feel that I chose to be a mother so that I could BE A MOTHER. I refuse to be ignorant, and I refuse to prioritize anything over my child. That's just me.

What's really awesome is that WIC provides pumps! I had been thinking about when to get a pump, etc. and they provide you with a brand new one. That alone makes WIC worth it to me!

5. John didn't get the raise he was hoping for, despite being the best newby at the place, and my hours got cut back. Ahhh!!!

6. We've re-arranged our bedroom in preparation for Wolfgang, which is truly the most fascinating piece of news I've got LOL

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I Have a Baby Inside Me!

I am 6 months pregnant today! (that picture was taken two weeks ago)

We can't believe it!

They say based on his age he should be just over a pound. When I went in for a prenatal check-up I was surprised that I had gained exactly one pound, until I realized that's what the baby weighs and so it makes perfect sense!

He is very alive in there, and loves to make it known! These days he is moving more than he is still, and sometimes it feels like he's trying to get out! (Not out THAT way lol thank goodness)

John was finally able to feel his kicks from the outside. He had been so jealous that I could feel him kicking and he couldn't, but now he can not only feel it, but SEE it as well.
We just bought a camcorder and have started filming my stomach as Wolfgang (baby's name) bounces around.

When John gets home from work he starts spazzing out! He must like hearing his daddy's voice :)


In America, in this century, atheism is a touchy subject. It's a word that, as straight-forward as it seems,is also very misunderstood.
Being that this blog will be circulating among people who do believe in a God whole-heartedly, I thought it made sense to address my (probably surprising and confusing) lack of belief.
I won't get into it in depth. I just want to make a simple outline to explain myself clearly.

What being an atheist does NOT mean for me:

I don't believe in Jesus or Heavenly Father, but worship other deities.

I am angry at god.

I believe god is responsible for unhappiness and is therefore not worthy of being believed in.

I worship Satan, or some enemy of god.

I was so deeply offended by something in religion that I can't bring myself to believe its doctrine.

I was secretly hoping there was no god so that I could live the lifestyle I wanted, and therefore sought to destroy my faith through anti-religious literature.

I have never believed I had a close relationship with god.

I never felt I really knew if god was real, or religion was true.

I always disliked religion and was bored in church, feeling it was not true, and not right for me.

Ex or Anti-Mormons or anti-Mormon propoganda influenced me and began my path away from the church.

What being an atheist does mean for me:

I do not believe that there is a deity that created the universe.

I believe that the bible and all other sacred texts are and were written by men without divine inspiration.

I do not know for sure how the universe began, and I don't pretend to. Anything we don't understand can be attempted to be understood through the scientific method.

I came to the conclusion through reasoning and logic.

I feel that belief in the supernatural does some good for people, and also does much bad.

I don't believe that I know 100% that there is no supernatural deity out there somewhere, but I don't believe there is, and if there was, I am convinced it could not be a benevolent creator.

I loved god and church and wanted to do what was right. I felt that there was nothing wrong in learning more about my religion and god because it was unavoidably true, and thus I discovered cracks in the foundation of belief.

As I grew up and became more knowledgeable and better at reasoning, I began to witness the world as it really is, and saw the inconsistencies between religious ideology and reality.

This is a great video where a man much smarter and more eloquent than me explains exactly what lack of belief means:

Quote from the video: "To the degree that we can know anything I think it is pretty close to knowledge, at least for me." (That there is no god)

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The First Ultrasound

My twelve week appointment was scheduled the same day my aunt Jan was coming into town for the wedding.

I went to the Birth Center in hopes that I would hear the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. When the midwife didn't hear it she immediately called in for an ultrasound to ease my mind. I was very edgy in those first couple months and she knew I wouldn't be able to wait another four weeks.

Despite my dislike of technology, it was almost essential to my sanity at that point to see with my own eyes that my baby was okay.

I have had moments of being a completely insane pregnant woman and that was one of those days. I cried and thought the worst thoughts.

Three hours later my mom and I sat in the waiting room of obstetrix. John had to work and didn't get to see the very first ultrasound. My mom came with me for support, which I very much needed.

After an hour's wait I told my mom I wanted to go in alone. The tech was a man but was very nice and respectful. His vibe was good so I overlooked the fact that he was male :)
(It's a personal thing, I won't let men other than John have anything to do with my pregnancy or birth)

I stared at the large screen in front of me, unsure of what I was seeing until he said, "There's your baby."

If I wasn't in such total shock I would have cried. I cry looking back. In the moment I was intentionally numbing myself out in case something was wrong.
He said the baby looked great for 12 weeks and he asked if I wanted my mom to come in then. I nodded that it was okay.

She came in and the baby made a little kick / squirm and we listened to its heartbeat.
I suddenly referred to it as a "he" and my mom was like, "Why did you just say HE!?"

I wanted a girl SO bad, but I couldn't help it. It looked like a boy!
We got baby's first picture and took it to show Jan who had just arrived.

The baby's position looked uncomfortable, since he was sort of standing on his head with his feet in the air, but as long as he was happy lol.

John took the picture to work and put it up. Everyone there commented that it looked like a boy too. And, at 16 weeks we found out that yes, he is ALL boy!

A New Person Coming Into the World!

It was March, 2010. John and I were engaged in February, and planning our wedding in May, when all of the sudden we got a surprise - a surprise that we both wanted!

You'd think that I would have taken the absense of my monthly "occurrence" AND the sudden vomiting as a sign that something big was brewing, but I didn't. Instead I waved it off as "a weird cycle" and a case of stomach flu.

What a goose I am!

John suggested we get a home pregnancy test when I didn't have my period, and I laughed at him, but went along anyway. We couldn't find one (apparently they don't sell them at Fry's) and so it was a couple weeks later, when the nausea popped up, that I finally went out and got a test.
Before taking it I told John not to get excited and we had a big discussion about the odds of my actually being pregnant.

He went outside to smoke while I took the test.
Almost instantly there were two dark pink lines on the stick and I almost hyperventilated.

I still waited the five minutes or whatever it was, pacing the house trying to breathe normally!

When I went back into the bathroom I could't believe the two pink lines were still there. They weren't a figment of my hopeful imagination.

Two pink lines = pregnant. Two pink lines = pregant.
I still couldn't believe it.

I gathered myself and went out to John in the arizona room. I was in too much shock to avoid breathing the smoke like I normally do and instead walked right up to him.

Before I could speak I began sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't think straight. I just cried.

He put down his cigarette and held me, thinking the test had been negative and I was just taking it very hard.

You should have seen the look on his face when I was able to get the words out in a squeaked whisper. "It's positive."

He stepped back, "What!?"

I was so shocked I called my mom. Then I took the second test that was in the box, and THEN I went and bought another box and took those!

All were big fat positives. John and I are having a baby!!!

Friday, July 30, 2010

My Marriage to John Billingsley!

On May 14, 2010 I married a man who is not only "Tall, dark and handsome" but sweet, kind, loving and genuine as well!

The ceremony and reception took place at the Stillwell House and Garden. It was my dream wedding. Everything was simply beautiful, and exactly how I wanted it.
I was thrilled with my dress, my wreathe, my bouquet. Everyone looked gorgeous and happy and the ceremony was short, simple and sweet.

I was so thrilled that family from out of town was able to make it. It was so nice to see my aunt Deanna and cousin Vanessa as well as my living grandparents and uncle David. I also got to meet John's mom for the first time!

There was fun and dancing after dinner. Dinner was delicious too, and we made sure that the wedding cake was the tastiest in town!

How incredibly lucky I am to be married to my dream guy! I married my best friend. He does daily things to show me that I am special to him and it's the most blissful thing in the world to get to spend every day with someone who you never get tired of talking with, who you know will always be there to comfort you and hold you. To get to take care of him, as he takes care of me is heaven on earth.

The Singer That Abused Her Fame

I list Jewel as one of my favorite musicians of all time. However, in reality, this praise is only given
based on one album. Strange, I know, to give such credit to an artist who only accomplished one work
of any worth, but for me, its depth, edge and artistic beauty easily earns its place in my spotlight.
This album is titled, "Pieces of You" and was her debut. It was first introduced to me by my cousin and
the hooks and raw quality instantly appealed to me at the age of eight.
I bought the album for myself eight years later, and that was when I truly realized its greatness. There
are spine-tingling moments as you listen to her voice bring out every ounce of meaning in those resentful,
passionate, sweet and often disturbing lyrics. The album does hit some low points, though, such as the
overly-poetic and aimless "Painters" and simply boring "Amen."
Even in this album, next to the skillfully indignant prose, she exposes some flaws. A few of the "flawed"
moments could be interpreted as intentionally open windows into her soul, while others are just flimsy artistry.

Instead of improving, growing in depth and finding more creative melodies, with the next album, "Spirit," Jewel
hopelessly embraced that very shamelessness that had revealed her weakness in "Pieces of You."
She reverted to alternately cryptic and obvious poetry, with little or no socio-political significance and led
us to the conclusion that she must have been high as a kite as she wrote these songs. The shift from earthy
guitar tracks to ethereal layering combined with the vague lyricism lends to this thought as well. With song titles
such as, "What's Simple is True" and "Kiss the Flame" it's not hard to make the case for it.
"Fat Boy" is the only attempt at recapturing the emotion of the first album and "Hands" is the only song worth
mentioning for its entertainment value.

The next time I heard Jewel's name it was accompanied by images of a heavily make-upped, thinner and more
intentionally seductive woman, along with music so forcefully glossed-over I nearly gagged. Jewel had apparently stopped
hitting the bong and started hitting the clubs.
What was up with this girl? Was it all some master plan to become a pop singer? A sneaky plan to weasel her way
into the homes of intelligent people through haunting stories and beautifully simple rhythms, so that once she had their
attention she could stop having to think so hard and continue making money by writing things like "U & Me = Love." ?
The title alone of that song is an insult to true musicians everywhere. Was she drunk and didn't care? Was she just
pretending before when she claimed she was an "artist" ?

Now she's trying to be some kind of country singer thing girl person, sporting a boyfriend in a cowboy hat and no looks
to speak of. Maybe he's her one claim to having a soul.

Either way, I personally find the misuse of her talent, fame and opportunity a slap in the face, as someone who thought
she was truly great - for about twenty-five minutes.