"I let go to transformation.

I let loose, flying off into death, birth, void, full...

I am one with the beloved again.

She died laughing.

She died in ecstasy.

She died with her eyes wide open."

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The First Ultrasound

My twelve week appointment was scheduled the same day my aunt Jan was coming into town for the wedding.

I went to the Birth Center in hopes that I would hear the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. When the midwife didn't hear it she immediately called in for an ultrasound to ease my mind. I was very edgy in those first couple months and she knew I wouldn't be able to wait another four weeks.

Despite my dislike of technology, it was almost essential to my sanity at that point to see with my own eyes that my baby was okay.

I have had moments of being a completely insane pregnant woman and that was one of those days. I cried and thought the worst thoughts.

Three hours later my mom and I sat in the waiting room of obstetrix. John had to work and didn't get to see the very first ultrasound. My mom came with me for support, which I very much needed.

After an hour's wait I told my mom I wanted to go in alone. The tech was a man but was very nice and respectful. His vibe was good so I overlooked the fact that he was male :)
(It's a personal thing, I won't let men other than John have anything to do with my pregnancy or birth)

I stared at the large screen in front of me, unsure of what I was seeing until he said, "There's your baby."

If I wasn't in such total shock I would have cried. I cry looking back. In the moment I was intentionally numbing myself out in case something was wrong.
He said the baby looked great for 12 weeks and he asked if I wanted my mom to come in then. I nodded that it was okay.

She came in and the baby made a little kick / squirm and we listened to its heartbeat.
I suddenly referred to it as a "he" and my mom was like, "Why did you just say HE!?"

I wanted a girl SO bad, but I couldn't help it. It looked like a boy!
We got baby's first picture and took it to show Jan who had just arrived.

The baby's position looked uncomfortable, since he was sort of standing on his head with his feet in the air, but as long as he was happy lol.

John took the picture to work and put it up. Everyone there commented that it looked like a boy too. And, at 16 weeks we found out that yes, he is ALL boy!

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