"I let go to transformation.

I let loose, flying off into death, birth, void, full...

I am one with the beloved again.

She died laughing.

She died in ecstasy.

She died with her eyes wide open."

Saturday, July 31, 2010

A New Person Coming Into the World!

It was March, 2010. John and I were engaged in February, and planning our wedding in May, when all of the sudden we got a surprise - a surprise that we both wanted!

You'd think that I would have taken the absense of my monthly "occurrence" AND the sudden vomiting as a sign that something big was brewing, but I didn't. Instead I waved it off as "a weird cycle" and a case of stomach flu.

What a goose I am!

John suggested we get a home pregnancy test when I didn't have my period, and I laughed at him, but went along anyway. We couldn't find one (apparently they don't sell them at Fry's) and so it was a couple weeks later, when the nausea popped up, that I finally went out and got a test.
Before taking it I told John not to get excited and we had a big discussion about the odds of my actually being pregnant.

He went outside to smoke while I took the test.
Almost instantly there were two dark pink lines on the stick and I almost hyperventilated.

I still waited the five minutes or whatever it was, pacing the house trying to breathe normally!

When I went back into the bathroom I could't believe the two pink lines were still there. They weren't a figment of my hopeful imagination.

Two pink lines = pregnant. Two pink lines = pregant.
I still couldn't believe it.

I gathered myself and went out to John in the arizona room. I was in too much shock to avoid breathing the smoke like I normally do and instead walked right up to him.

Before I could speak I began sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't think straight. I just cried.

He put down his cigarette and held me, thinking the test had been negative and I was just taking it very hard.

You should have seen the look on his face when I was able to get the words out in a squeaked whisper. "It's positive."

He stepped back, "What!?"

I was so shocked I called my mom. Then I took the second test that was in the box, and THEN I went and bought another box and took those!

All were big fat positives. John and I are having a baby!!!

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